We’re open to all moms and babies.  We don’t bill ourselves as adhering to a particular parenting style, because parenting styles are too generic–too one-size-fits-all–to be applicable to real families.  We do encourage and support each other in listening to our babies and responding to their needs in the best way we are able.  So, yes, we do tend towards the crunchy, the natural, and the attached…and the popular tenets that those labels accompany.

A brief discussion of circumcision, in which everyone who spoke agreed it was terrible, suddenly culminated in the confession from one of our moms that her baby is circumcised.   She spoke about family pressure and a medical history of one family member.  Then another mom spoke up.  Her baby is circumcised, too.  She spoke of her research while pregnant, her husband’s feelings, and the fact that she is embarrassed to change her baby’s diaper at our group.  Mom number three instantly spoke up with the same feeling, and expressed regret about her one year old’s circumcision and told how she cried through the Bris.

As we talked, it became clear that just about everyone there had something they were embarrassed about in their parenting choices.  Some felt conspicuous for using disposable diapers.  Some were embarrassed to formula feed at the group.  And several people would get fast food on the way to group and then deliberately NOT bring it in to our crunchy, natural, mom meeting.  So we got to laugh at ourselves some.

It was suggested that Evelyn of the Peaceful Birth Project re-institute her opening statement at each group, that there is a lot of information here, and each of us should take what rings true for us and leave the rest.

But in the main, as we discussed what is making various members feel judged, it wasn’t anything another person was doing or saying.  It seems to be internal.  When we have regret, and wish we could have done something differently, we definitely perceive judgment because we are judging ourselves.  But even those parenting choices with which we are 100% sure about can lead to discomfort when we are alone in those decisions among a group who differs.

In the case of circumcision, we talked about how most of us would have circumcised our sons at some point in our lives, and it was only a question of whether we became informed before or after giving birth to a little boy.  We talked about finding acceptance and forgiving ourselves.  We talked about how to talk to our little boys about what happened, or how to address it if they have siblings who remain uncircumcised.  But the fact is that a mother might still intend to circumcise her next son.  All of the understanding seemed based in the assumption that no one would want to do this, after they found out.  And those of us who feel strongly about it, cannot imagine a mother who WOULD want to do it.  But we don’t get to choose for every mother.  We get to choose for ourselves and our sons.  And our group is open to ALL mothers.

I know that I don’t feel judgmental of mothers who circumcise their sons.  But I do feel that it is entirely worthwhile to passionately spread information for that mother’s next son, and for the other women who might have sons.  To forebear out of politeness would be cowardly.  I never want to make a mother feel badly about her parenting choices.  But we can all benefit from gaining knowledge and experience from which we can make better and better choices.  The choices are completely up to the individual, but the knowledge is public domain and every mother is entitled to it.

So, our little moms circle cleared the air.  And it was really nice.  I wish the internet could follow our example and have Mommy Circles instead of Mommy Wars.

As someone who recently welcomed a new baby, Joanna contributed her experiences and segued right into her birth.  We discussed the emotional issues present in pregnancy and birth, dad’s feelings and often-unaddressed emotions, the impact of the presence of others at the birth (Joanna was alone with her husband when they met their baby), the things that contribute to a peaceful birth, and the things learned from birth that make EVERY birth experience valuable.  Evolution has brought birth to what it is

It all makes me reevaluate my own births–in my experience, always a valuable exercise.  It makes me think about my births to come, as well.  Just listening helps to work through some of my own thoughts and hang-ups, but tossing out thoughts and ideas in our safe and loving circle really moves me forward on my personal discovery process and is so much fun!  I can’t wait to birth again!

Dana had an excellent topic that we didn’t get to (I realize now that I am home, sitting at my computer), and I hope that next week we get to discuss parental expectations. . . how to recognize them and change them if need be!  As a momma going through a transitional phase right now, this is of great interest to me!

We discussed carseats, cloth diapers, tummy time, and natural cleaning products.  We discussed how to mother while healing a sprained ankle and the best kind of footwear.  We discussed diaper rash and milk-sharing.  We laughed, we cried.  It was a meeting of the moms.

I love our group!  I so look forward to every Wednesday, I have a blast when I’m there, and I leave feeling like I’ve helped as much as I’ve been helped, with a renewed love for humanity!

Today we talked about sleep (toddler sleep), which led to a discussion of routines (not schedules), and we were able to validate one mommy’s instincts about caring for her distressed baby, rather than teaching her baby to deal with distress quietly by herself.  All of this helped me, though I hadn’t asked any questions, by reinforcing my own parenting choices and serving as a reminder that baby challenges are a fact of every parenting style, and that those challenges pass so quickly that today’s disaster is barely remembered next week.

We talked about shy toddlers, why shyness would be equated with low self esteem, and whether loving support of a toddler’s native personality is enough to help foster self confidence.  This led to an examination of how a mother’s experiences color her view of her children, and the sorts of things she will be concerned about.  Yes, we concluded that babies and children should be supported and encouraged, and that is the best we can do to provide them with a foundation for a happy life.

A mom who is new to our group has a new baby and no milk–due to complications at the birth her own milk had dried up.  Several of the other moms shared contact information with her so that they could get together to nurse her baby for her, and someone suggested a supplemental nursing system–wherein breastmilk donated by members of our group can be fed to her baby through a tube running into the baby’s mouth while the baby is latched onto . . . his mother!  This will simultaneously provide the baby with breastmilk, promote all of the other benefits of nursing (more of which have to do with the physical act than the milk), AND very likely stimulate the momma’s own milk to return!

And there was babywearing.  One mom has a baby with leg in a cast.  She had a ring sling, which is not my forte, but I do know enough about it to realize that the little boy’s cast, which covers his knee, is holding his leg in a position not quite bent enough to provide a good seat in a ring sling.  So we got out the wraps.  Her friend (and member of our group) is going to lend her a do-it-yourself gauze wrap (or simple piece of cloth), so we practiced a back carry, because the mom said her baby wants to be held constantly–even when she has to prepare lunch.  A back carry will allow them to stay close while she is able to get things done.

Ideally, in any good baby carrier, a baby’s knees are high and bent.  Given the constraints of the cast, one knee will be not quite so bent.  However a good double hammock carry supports him well and provides enough security that he will stay well seated and safe.

Alicia wanted a hip carry, so we did the Poppins Hip Carry.  Then Michelle showed us her own invented carry which I’m going to have to do a tutorial for because I thought it was SO COOL.  Similar to a Poppins, but easier and more poppable, in my opinion.

Can’t wait for next week!

Don’t worry, I made her cupcakes and took her miniature golfing, but that was in the evening, and in the morning I had my Moms’ Circle with a whole ‘nother bunch of moms.

It was a small group, and we all enjoyed the intimacy.  I think there were six of us?  Seven?  I’ve just thought about everyone who was there and now I think there were ten of us.  Plus babies and kids.  I guess our group has grown enough that ten feels like an intimate gathering!  I had a lovely time.  To top it off, the church that we meet in left muffins.  Lots of decadent muffins.  I ate one and took four home to my husband, so he can no longer claim to be the sole provider.

One of our members told us about a friend who just had a baby in the hospital and was still there because the baby had not been released.  Something about jaundice.  And as a result of the hospital’s urging, the baby was not nursing (but was drinking mama’s expressed milk) or being held.  As women who are well-educated on the importance and value of human contact for newborns (and people of all ages, for that matter), we all felt some outrage on behalf of this newly-formed dyad.  The issue at hand, though, really, in our meeting, was that the mom who is part of our group needed to have our emotional support, and to be listened to, about the situation that was hurting her heart.  Her friend’s situation troubled her, and we were here to help her bear her troubles.

Interestingly, the next topic we broached, with seemingly unrelated subject matter, had very similar dynamics.  A second mom at the group Wednesday was emotionally hurting because she had been asked not to nurse her baby at an upcoming family wedding.

Emotionally, when anyone–but especially family or loved ones–imply that your lifestyle choices are socially unacceptable, or something to be embarrassed about . . . this is very hurtful.  Yes, even when you are confident in your choices, or perhaps especially then.  Imagine that you were asked to take off your cross and not mention Christianity while at a family dinner.  Or suppose that you were welcome to Thanksgiving dinner, as long as you and your same-sex partner did not hold hands or show affection to each other.  Physically these requests might be easy to comply with.  Spiritually, doing so–or letting the requester believe you were doing so–would compromise your integrity.  And simply by making the request, the relationship has been altered.

Now maybe her son would not get hungry during the wedding and it wouldn’t come up.  Maybe you weren’t going to mention religion either, because the conversation wasn’t going that way.  Or perhaps you even planned to keep your nursing relationship, religion, or orientation under wraps at the event because you knew someone involved was uncomfortable with it and you wanted to avoid touchy subjects.  All that is perfectly valid.  But when the other person requests that you do so, that is a very different matter.  It might mean that you cannot attend the event.  In this case, it did mean that she needed support from people who understood.

Sadly, the family members making the request (and I should add that the request was more of a politely-worded ultimatum) probably did not realize that it was rude or hurtful.  They probably think she is being unreasonable.  I hope they can try putting themselves in that situation with something that is important to them.  We can all benefit from thinking about the viewpoints of others now and then.  But even more important than that is really knowing yourself and your own boundaries.  Then it’s much easier to hold your position, and you can do so in the most loving and non-antagonistic of manners.

We had other topics too, apart from emotional support.  Mary wanted the scoop on cloth diapers, particularly for a big one year old boy.  We shared some suggestions and advised her to check some out in person to see what she liked.  Krisha needed to talk about her current adventures in nighttime parenting to work out her priorities.

We had fun discussion and then worked on some wrapping.  Krisha is seeking a back carry that is comfortable and hasn’t quite found it yet.  She’s going to practice doing the Double Hammock Carry efficiently (tightly) enough that she’ll have enough wrap left to cross over the front instead of doing rucksack straps, as the rucksack straps are not comfortable for her.  She’s also going to try tightening Back Wrap Cross Carry straps evenly so that she does not end up with pressure points in that carry, and she’s going to be more careful about placement of the straps on her shoulder–away from her neck, but perhaps not so far over the ball of her shoulder.  Next week I’ll find out if she reached wrap nirvana with any of these tweaks!

Testing Our Reflexes

Along with several new moms (new to our group, that is) and a sizable gathering of really wonderful moms and babies that were a joy to be around, we had a guest speaker today who discussed the important of infant reflexes, and their lifelong repercussions.  Myra Moyryla explained how she determines whether a specific reflex needs work in a person of any age, and how the reflexes can be integrated (at any age), in such a way that the individual gains the control and comfort that was missed at some point in their development.

As Myra described some of the typical behavior one can expect from people who missed a normal reflex development, people in our group kept piping up with, “That’s my husband, exactly!” or, “Now I know why I…”  It seemed to really make sense to a lot of people.

Myra also led us in some simple exercises to determine what reflexes of our own might need work.  She told us how, in her work with Masgutova Neuro-sensory-motor reflex integration, she has seen many people resolve lifelong issues, some quite visually dramatic, and others that may have successfully hidden their difficulties behind a social veneer but now are able to really live the easy comfort they have been pretending.

Her talk really reinforced the importance of trusting baby bodies to do the important things they need to do, and to support them in their development with bodily contact and freedom of motion so that they can experience and integrate the biologically appropriate reflexes when appropriate.  She warned that the trend of putting babies in containers endangers their smooth evolution towards comfortable, well-balanced, confident adulthood.

And on that note, we got to the babywearing:

Dana wearing 1 year old Jocelyn in a rebozo hip carry

Upright in a ring sling--exact same position as with a rebozo, but this baby is on the front (tummy to tummy) instead of on the hip as in the above photo

Laura accomplishes a back carry!

We discussed how to make sure our weekly meetings were friendly to toddlers and big kids and their mothers, as well as babies.  We realized that there had been an expectation that the children stay (relatively) quiet, and remain in the part of the room with the toys, so that the mothers and babies in arms could maintain a (relatively) peaceful circle of discussion.

While this doesn’t sound outrageous, the very relationship that we encourage mothers to develop with their infants is just as valuable as the infant grows, learns to walk (and run) and talk (and yell).  Because we want to avoid situations and environments in which our children must be disciplined to act in a way that was not easy for them, this group meeting was proving disruptive of family relationships for some of the moms.

So it was important to discuss what was expected by the church that hosts our group, what was necessary to make it possible for the mothers to share experiences with each other (the function of the group), what was important to the moms as far as freedoms and safety for their children and for the babies.  By clarifying actual group expectations we could discard those we had assumed were in place that might not have been important to the group, and at the same time everyone in the group is now aware of what is expected of the kids.  That way we all know what the rules are that the group is comfortable with and can choose to be part of the group without worrying about whether our children are too disruptive.

Along the way we concluded that interruptions by toddlers, and continual gentle mothering of them throughout the meetings was valuable not only to the mother and child, but to the new moms whose infants were still in arms, and to all of the other mothers as each interaction is an example from which we can all take or leave the elements that we see working or that appeal to our parenting styles.

We discussed cloth diapers for Jennifer who is pregnant now, and discussed nighttime diapering for Amy, whose son leaks through cloth or disposables at night (luckily another mom of a boy figured out the anatomical problem and solution).

We discussed wrapping (yay!), including what position a tiny infant’s legs should be in, Shelby wanted to get her toddler wrapped up in a back wrap cross carry tied over her new baby bump.  Anna wanted instruction on a good rucksack carry.  Jennifer tried out a front cross carry (Belle was happy to accommodate).

Naomi and Anna in a Rucksack Carry

Jennifer trying out a baby and a Front Cross Carry

Amy and Shawn in a Short Front Cross Carry

Instead of our usual format, our moms circle invited a guest speaker today.  Doctor Holly Johantgen is a Doctor of Oriental Medicine, an Acupuncture Physician and a Primary Care Physician in Clearwater Florida, as well as a mother of two young children.  She fielded questions about vaccines, and we snuck some other questions in, too, while we had her.

What I took away from her talk was that there are prevalent assumptions about vaccines that should be questioned.

• Vaccines may not protect your child from disease.  Some people feel that getting the whooping cough vaccine will not necessarily keep your child from getting the whooping cough.  If it doesn’t work, this simplifies the whole decision-making process–so it’s worth doing your own research into the subject.
• The benefits may not outweigh the risks.  Vaccines carry known risks, a fact well illustrated by the existence of the Vaccine Injury Compensation Trust Fund.  Each vaccine could be examined individually as to the risks, and the risks of the relevant disease should also be investigated.  If a vaccine does effectively prevent a disease, it may still have side effects or risks that are worse (or likelier) than the threat of catching the disease naturally.
• Some vaccines may not be necessary for every individual.  Investigate each one individually to decide whether your children need to be protected from Hepatitis B, polio, chicken pox, tetanus.  Consider that some vaccines can be administered later if and when they are deemed necessary (ie when you are ready to take your child overseas or when your child steps on a dirty nail).
• The standard recommended vaccine schedule may not be best.  Vaccinating infants does, without a doubt, compromise their otherwise (hopefully) healthy immune systems.  Many doctors recommend delayed vaccinations.  Doctor Holly recommended waiting until your child is at least two years old, but said that according to oriental medicine, a person’s body would be better able to handle vaccinations between five and seven years old.

If you are worried about a particular disease outbreak, ask whether the kids contracting the disease have been vaccinated or not.  If they are vaccinated, there is no reason to sabotage your child’s immune system at this critical time with a vaccine that does not work!

If you are unsure about vaccinations, Doctor Holly’s advice is to WAIT.  Don’t vaccinate until you are sure, because it is a decision that cannot be undone, and which has lifelong ramifications.  You can always decide to vaccinate, but once done you cannot become un-vaccinated.

If you do choose to vaccinate your children, do everything you can to support their immune health before and after the vaccines are administered.  Nutrition is the biggest contributor to your child’s health. Leading up to a vaccination, keep your child’s diet free of sugar and as packed with nutrition as you can!  You can also visit with a Doctor of Oriental Medicine for herbs or supplements that might assist your child’s body in handling the vaccine.  If you do choose to vaccinate, read ingredients, insist on thermisol-free vaccines, and record the batch number.

If you choose not to vaccinate your child, it is also important to support their immune health.  Again, nutrition is the best thing to tweak.  In fact, I could just say that if you are a parent–regardless of whether your child is vaccinated–look to a good diet to keep your children healthy!

In conversations we addressed topics as varying as coping with potential medical problems (and the question of trusting doctors), to boundaries in the physical relationship of parents and children (I think as a group we agree that every family must find what is comfortable for them) and how the kind of relationship we establish with our little ones will impact their future relationships.

We discussed how to get better rested when your baby is waking more often.  Dana pointed out how fleeting babyhood is, suggesting that a tired parent remember that a) this wont last forever and b) it is worth treasuring now.

We briefly touched on cloth diapering, specifically for newborns.  Since it’s my blog, I have the privilege of remembering and relating only my recommendation: for contour diapers with elasticized legs.  Cheaper than fitteds, containing of that liquid breastmilk poop, and able to fit snugly around a tiny newborn with a snappi.

This is our first get together.  It’s something of a trial.  We’ll see how many people show up, and how many plan to stay versus how many want to leave.  We’ll play it by ear and see how we can improve it to make it the most beneficial for each of us.

If you want to come and don’t know where I live, email, comment, or send me a message on Facebook.

In summary, come at 9am or any time later.  I have somewhere to be in the afternoon, so I’ll probably need to kick everyone out by 1pm or soon after.  That means you should be back to pick up your kids by then or they may be sold to gypsies.  Hmmm, I guess I should make everyone sign a form to that effect when they show up!

Evelyn began our discussion today with an admonition that we are here to support each other, and not to nitpick the particulars of our parenting choices.  We are better mothers when we are emotionally (and physically) available to our children.  As the mother, we are often wholly responsible for our children all the time, without someone playing a similar role to our needs.  As a group we can provide that for each other, emotionally recharging each other.

Perhaps it was this opening suggestion, but we had rather a teary time today.  It was amazingly wonderful to get together with moms and babies and siblings, and also get to hear out the travails and hardships some of us are facing.  We have enough in common that we can share the experiences and feelings even when the circumstances are different.

The discussion touched on loss of a loved one, dealing with our emotions while raising our babies and the effects it will have on them, fear of changes and an unknowable future, communication with spouses and relationships, feelings of not contributing enough or not being appreciated, and we shared advice on teething, sleeping, and, of course, babywearing!

We glowed happily for Ainsley and Susan who missed the group today because they are home with their brand new nurslings, and we congratulated Susan’s husband and son who came by to visit.  We welcomed Michelle who drove down to our meeting from Alabama, and who we’ve missed since she moved, and marveled at her growing girl.  We were happy to see moms who haven’t made it for several weeks, and a new mom, too.  We joyfully met with the moms who make it every week and who we look forward to seeing each Wednesday.

We had to disperse rather rapidly at the end as it had gotten late and everyone had to go but no one wanted to.