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Rainbow Baby and Pregnancy Loss

Guest Post by Kita Wolfe for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

When asked about our current pregnancy and why we call her our rainbow baby, I can’t help but wish that I could just walk away sometimes. But most of the time, I’m open and welcome to sharing a small part of how this baby came to us. A simple “we lost babies before her, she’s our rainbow after the storm!”, is usually how I leave it until they ask more questions. 

Often, I’ll run into another mother who has recently lost a pregnancy and feels comfortable with sharing that information after I share mine. It makes me want to bawl. 

It makes me want to hold her and let her know that she’s not alone. It makes me want to tell her that just weeks before I found out about this rainbow baby, I was at home crying and begging my last angel baby not to leave us. It makes me want to tell her that we knew that before this baby came, we knew that our last baby was gone, but my body didn’t want to let go. It makes me want to tell her that I’m one of a small percentage of women who have had more than 3 consecutive losses. It makes me want to pour my heart out, in hopes to comfort both her and myself in this lonely journey. It makes me hope that she does the same.

But instead, I give my condolences and wish her the absolute best. And I mean it with every fiber of my being. I find now that in the past, miscarriage seemed so normal to me. It seemed like something that happened every day. To other people. It seemed like it wouldn’t happen to me. Three healthy babies in a row, and suddenly my body wouldn’t carry. The initial shock of the first loss. The second was over before it had a chance to really begin. The third rattled me and was the first that I shared publicly. The fourth almost destroyed me. It was the most complex, as we got to have frequent blood draws and ultrasounds. In my eyes, I got front row seats to watch my body struggle and fail to grow our baby. 

I shared the struggles. I shared the pain. I shared the hardest part of motherhood that I’ve experienced in hopes that others will share. And I’ve had so many women do just that! 1 in 4 doesn’t sound like much until you put the faces to it. Until you hear about the babies. Until you know their names. Until you realize that it’s your best friend, your cousin, that neighbor who has “so many kids”. It’s the people that you wouldn’t expect to be having trouble. It’s the couples facing secondary infertility. It’s the couple that you just figured didn’t want any children. It’s the people who might answer “Soon” when you ask when they will have a baby of their own. October will always have a new meaning to us. And next year when we welcome this little Rainbow Girl, I’ll know that I’m holding the very baby in my arms that was hand picked by the babies that I hold in my heart.

Kita is a babywearing educator, wife and mother with a rainbow baby due in April and you can follow her on Instagram.