First, it was my mom’s birthday. Happy birthday, mom! She is a great mom, and I appreciate every decision she’s ever made for me and my sister. I appreciate those decisions like I never did before I had my own children!
Don’t worry, I made her cupcakes and took her miniature golfing, but that was in the evening, and in the morning I had my Moms’ Circle with a whole ‘nother bunch of moms.
It was a small group, and we all enjoyed the intimacy. I think there were six of us? Seven? I’ve just thought about everyone who was there and now I think there were ten of us. Plus babies and kids. I guess our group has grown enough that ten feels like an intimate gathering! I had a lovely time. To top it off, the church that we meet in left muffins. Lots of decadent muffins. I ate one and took four home to my husband, so he can no longer claim to be the sole provider.
One of our members told us about a friend who just had a baby in the hospital and was still there because the baby had not been released. Something about jaundice. And as a result of the hospital’s urging, the baby was not nursing (but was drinking mama’s expressed milk) or being held. As women who are well-educated on the importance and value of human contact for newborns (and people of all ages, for that matter), we all felt some outrage on behalf of this newly-formed dyad. The issue at hand, though, really, in our meeting, was that the mom who is part of our group needed to have our emotional support, and to be listened to, about the situation that was hurting her heart. Her friend’s situation troubled her, and we were here to help her bear her troubles.
Interestingly, the next topic we broached, with seemingly unrelated subject matter, had very similar dynamics. A second mom at the group Wednesday was emotionally hurting because she had been asked not to nurse her baby at an upcoming family wedding.
Emotionally, when anyone–but especially family or loved ones–imply that your lifestyle choices are socially unacceptable, or something to be embarrassed about . . . this is very hurtful. Yes, even when you are confident in your choices, or perhaps especially then. Imagine that you were asked to take off your cross and not mention Christianity while at a family dinner. Or suppose that you were welcome to Thanksgiving dinner, as long as you and your same-sex partner did not hold hands or show affection to each other. Physically these requests might be easy to comply with. Spiritually, doing so–or letting the requester believe you were doing so–would compromise your integrity. And simply by making the request, the relationship has been altered.
Now maybe her son would not get hungry during the wedding and it wouldn’t come up. Maybe you weren’t going to mention religion either, because the conversation wasn’t going that way. Or perhaps you even planned to keep your nursing relationship, religion, or orientation under wraps at the event because you knew someone involved was uncomfortable with it and you wanted to avoid touchy subjects. All that is perfectly valid. But when the other person requests that you do so, that is a very different matter. It might mean that you cannot attend the event. In this case, it did mean that she needed support from people who understood.
Sadly, the family members making the request (and I should add that the request was more of a politely-worded ultimatum) probably did not realize that it was rude or hurtful. They probably think she is being unreasonable. I hope they can try putting themselves in that situation with something that is important to them. We can all benefit from thinking about the viewpoints of others now and then. But even more important than that is really knowing yourself and your own boundaries. Then it’s much easier to hold your position, and you can do so in the most loving and non-antagonistic of manners.
We had other topics too, apart from emotional support. Mary wanted the scoop on cloth diapers, particularly for a big one year old boy. We shared some suggestions and advised her to check some out in person to see what she liked. Krisha needed to talk about her current adventures in nighttime parenting to work out her priorities.
We had fun discussion and then worked on some wrapping. Krisha is seeking a back carry that is comfortable and hasn’t quite found it yet. She’s going to practice doing the Double Hammock Carry efficiently (tightly) enough that she’ll have enough wrap left to cross over the front instead of doing rucksack straps, as the rucksack straps are not comfortable for her. She’s also going to try tightening Back Wrap Cross Carry straps evenly so that she does not end up with pressure points in that carry, and she’s going to be more careful about placement of the straps on her shoulder–away from her neck, but perhaps not so far over the ball of her shoulder. Next week I’ll find out if she reached wrap nirvana with any of these tweaks!
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